9. the Normal Viewpoint

9. The Normal Viewpoint

I'm going to use this chapter as a sort of a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) section. But first, a rant:

Believe me, folks, these things I have heard before, these are things most people believe. Hearing them from you is not going to change my thinking. If you want to correct me, find the weak points in my posts, and debunk them, debate them. Do not attempt to toss my entire philosophy out the window with an explanation of your idea of child-rearing, which is, most likely EVERYONE'S idea of child-rearing, and EVERYONE has already told me about it.
I wasn't raised according to my theory. I had a normal upbringing, authoritative, hierarchical, punishment based. My anti-punishment stance was novel to me, too. When I first found myself in the role of parent, I was exactly like everyone else. I believed children needed discipline, punishment. I thought I knew what was what, and therefore was just the right person to make judgements and hand out punishments. I spanked my little rent-a-kid (my live-in girlfriend's son). Too bad for that kid, lucky for my own kids later that I had a re-organization of my thinking that started before my first was born. So, I've been what I call "normal." Been there, done that, didn't like it. I never wear that T-shirt.
So here's the list, things I've heard before, many times. Things MOST PEOPLE think:

Kids need to be corrected, they need to learn what's right.

Answers:
1. People need: food, water, shelter, love, and sometimes, medical care.
2. Most people are not perfectly correct themselves. We aren't all qualified to CORRECT anyone. If we were all perfectly correct - well, then the world would be a perfectly correct place, and we wouldn't have these sorts of problems to work out.
3. Is that a universality, kids need to be corrected? Do you know where that idea comes from? It comes from the Church. It is the idea of "Original Sin," one of the Church's greatest marketing ideas. All people are born evil, and they need the Church to save them from Hell. Of course, good and evil are human constructs. We are not all born evil, we do not require some intervention that will keep us all from naturally developing into evil, murderous villains.


A little spanking doesn't hurt them.

Answers:
1. Then what's the point? How is it an effective deterrent or a punishment if it doesn't hurt? This is a logical fallacy: "You hurt them a little, so they learn not to mis-behave. But it doesn't hurt them."
2. So, if a little doesn't hurt them, and the point of punishment is to hurt them a little, to deter them next time, well, maybe they need more than a little. Punishment is often doomed to escalate, sometimes right out of control.
3.

I was punished, and I'm OK.

Answers:
1. If you're really OK, you're a rarity. Most of us have problems.
2. For all I know, you really ARE OK, except for one thing. You believe hurting little kids is good for them.
3. How OK? How bad off would you have to be before the punishments you received were too much? Would you have to be suicidal? Unemployable? Institutionalized? Homicidal? A wife-beater? An alcoholic, a junkie, a whore, a thug? Is just being a normal person, with normal amounts of sadness, anger, alcoholism, fear, frustration, poverty, divorce, these sorts of problems are as good as it gets, so that we needn't question our parents or our methods of child-rearing? You know, the first group of people I mention, the ones with extreme problems, that is a pretty large group. The second group, the functional ones are a range, from the first group types, all the way to some reasonably happy, very functional people. But most of us have problems. It's weird, in many situations, people will cry and bemoan their lot, their guilt, their powerlessness to make their life what they want, but ask them about their childhood punishments - I'm OK. Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
4.

This one is a work in progress. I'll be adding to it . . .